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I've been trying to talk to a friend of a friend, a message in a messenger I hit the send and regret immediately; I don't know how to speak, at the top of my game my social skills are weak and the top is a place I ain't been for ages, too caught up in fake-life and skipping pages in the book of experiences we should all share, I look for the picture but I know I'm not there. And why should they care. I used to dream of a future where my life was dull, anything was better than lonely and awful, now I'm living my future and the only escape is through binding my eyes closed with videotape. The prospect of living is enough to kill, just existing

I've been struggling to think of the words. What to say to make my pain not just heard but felt. It's been two and a half months but it's been much much longer than that. It's been what, six months since we spoke? Six months from now or from two and a half months ago? Now we'll never speak again. Now you'll never speak again. I knew everything I was going to say each day of those six months and each day of the following lifetime. Everything I was going to show you, hear your reaction and share in the joy of shared discovery. I was going to show you things I hadn't yet seen but had ready. Waiting. Now I have no one to show them to and no

Rain drops in puddles Blink in and out of focus Like stars through the clouds. Shadows over grass Flow, unstoppable as time In it's endless course. Swift, amongst the grain, Changes direction at whim And turns, soon, to home. The doe, so fragile, May become the calmest rock In a hurried stream. Twisted branches rise From atop the high held head Of the woodland King.

No fanfare for he that fell from the horse And cracked his head and now lies under dirt. No fanfare for he that wandered too far, Was lost to the world and died soon of thirst. No fanfare for she, that alone and so scared, Did search for a hand just to find a raised fist. No fanfare for he that was so full of joy And lost all but life when betrayed by a kiss. The moments that end us are often not met With fanfare or lights, or thunderous clouds But everyday whimpers that bare no portents; Passers by, not gathering crowds.

I keep to myself. Feign ignorance of ambiance, the wailing of an ambulance speeding past. Keep my gaze to the ground, count the sound of each pound as my footfalls merge with the crowd all around. A hand catches my sleeve. I can hardly believe, in my lonely reprieve I am more than a shadow, made just to deceive Each sense; negating a presence than down to it's essence is static - white noise. A blind spot across a cold shoulder. "You dropped this." I miss not a beat as I focus my feet on the path straight ahead I am doomed to repeat. The difference each time? I am days, months, years older.

The one from whom my aspirations grew, The one who seemed the perfect role model Was revealed, with no warning, To have been a devil all along. The one person who truly seemed to care Regardless of my many compound faults. The one who led by example. Was a devil all along. The one who embodied, perfectly, charity. The former soldier, friend of culture, Bringer of joy in youth Was a devil all along. The one whose deathbed I sat beside, The one whose hand I held upon his passing, The one I held so dear Was a devil all along. Can a man truly change? I must believe, I can’t not. His love was all I saw. His memory’s all I’ve

     I remember our first night together. It was what… eight years ago now? I remember how softly your lips pressed against mine, how gently your arms wrapped around me. I remember how you smiled and smiled and smiled. I remember the shivers that ran down my spine as you whispered promises of love and traced endless constellations on my back. I remember the warming caress of our cheeks meeting.     What happened between then and now? What happened to turn us from two innocent, joy-filled and love-struck wanderers in the fields of life into monstrosities carved in petrified wood and bone; cold to the touch and stiffly aloof. What happen